This last year has been incredibly stressful, some of it caused by uncontrollable agents of change, but in all honesty a lot of it caused through my own choices and my own ambition.
Starting a business, while already running full speed with motherhood, paid work, and community engagement was incredibly stupid, reckless, or brave, only time will tell! It has created tensions, tears, and tantrums from grown ups and wee-ones alike! And yet, I am not sure that I wouldn't do it exactly the same again. Because, there were times this year where I have never felt more like myself; whole, engaged, and purposeful but with that feeling of accomplishment and ambition there was always a tinge of guilt. And that is the trap of motherhood, it shows you both your greatest abilities and at the same time limits your scope. So how do I manage this tightrope walk of finding a more deeper knowledge of myself, what is important and what is possible if I don't stretch the sides of the balloon? This is modern day motherhood, this is modern day womanhood, this is ambition
Ambition - "a strong desire to do or to achieve something, typically requiring determination and hard work"
Working hard and determining my own path is important to me and hopefully showing my children that I am still taking risks and working for my own enrichment, even as I age, will teach them to do the same. Motherhood is a state of being but a shifting one. It changes, morphs, grows, and shrinks, throughout a life. But it informs the other states of my being, and in turn those states fill my being in order for me to be a better mother. It can sometimes feel like a trap, the "having it all" lie (when will that be expunged from our narrative), but it can also be our greatest asset. Yes, I struggle but that doesn't mean I am failing.
Of course, I can always be better and I will never be perfect! There is no perfect time to do anything, start a business or have a family, but there are a million ways to be good at both, to be good in a particular moment and better in the next.
"Our mothers always remain the strangest, craziest people we’ve ever met" ~Marguerite Duras
The greatest lesson I can give my sons is the gift of a mother, who is ambitious and also kind, crazy and caring, strange and strong, who shows them that she loves them but also shows them that she loves herself too! I can't wait to see what the next year brings.